The 5 Step Grieving Process

Posted January 12th, 2009 by Jeff

The saying “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” is a little trite for those of us that have had the traumatic challenges of health, death, abuse or financial crises in our lives. It kind of feels like no one really knows what you are going through and they are offering emotional salve for the pain by giving toothpaste to heal a puncture wound.

This sounds mighty grim but it reminds me of a news report I heard today. In the report they were interviewing a journalist about how the news paper is no longer a viable business model and how most news is available over the internet for free. The interviewer asked the question “does that make you mad?” And the journalist said something like “I have already gone through all phases of grieving and have accepted our economic position.”

The concept of moving towards acceptance is also to let go of what is no longer in your future.

The grieving process in five steps:

1. The first step of the process is commonly denial or isolation.
2. The second is anger
3. The third is negation or bargaining
4. The forth is depression
5. The fifth is acceptance

Let’s take the example of loosing a job. At first your brain keeps going to work every day and you can’t believe you are out of work. You can’t believe you are not needed or wanted. Possibly you can’t even accept the concept so much you become longtime friends with the couch and possibly friends with addictions to help you forget.

It is only a matter of time that you figure out you are getting nowhere in denial and keeping to yourself. Then you get angry at anything and everything possible, knowing that somewhere somehow there has been a major injustice.

Then you want to find somebody that will hear your case. Someone to negotiate or bargain with that will help you overcome the unfairness. But many times it is somebody that simply agrees with you but really can’t make the changes you are looking for.

And then it hits you like a Sherman tanks largest shell right in the gut and you emotionally explode into a feeling of no personal value, helpless and can’t do anything about it. You are at the ultimate stage of deep depression, your self-loathing; self pity has deflated you to a meager example of your full potential.

And you might be one of the fortunate few that in just a few cycles of this you are feeling better but in many cases this process happens several times a day from weeks to months.

Then the old phrase “time heals” kicks in and one day your brain doesn’t feel the pain as much and your curiosity and positive attitude start coming back causing you to look for work again.

Just like the journalist everyone will go through these stages and the sooner you accept the fact of how the brain needs to heal, the faster you will heal.

If you have lost your job I recommend taking off from as many responsibilities as possible for 1 week to 1 month to fully accept you got fired, or let go, or repositioned, or promoted to a better position from your old position.

What You See Is What You Get, and by looking for the advantage you well sooner see the benefit and if you look for the pain that to is what you receive.

But the ultimate question “is God in control?” Here is an idea; if God is in control and you were supposed to be some where else right now, then you would be there. Now this doesn’t take away the process of learning the five steps of grieving but is does assist you to get there quicker. And now that your life has changed go back to basics and give yourself permission to go through the five steps quickly and efficiently by reading and studying about them.

Because a big clue to your purpose in life is to get to know the real you, and without your challenges you could never find yourself. And furthermore would not enjoy the good times without having a taste of the challenging ones.

I really don’t know why I wrote this today other than I sat down and started writing. So if you are the person that needed this blog pay it forward.

But I do have to point out that the sooner you look to see acceptance in your life the sooner life begins again.

Forgive yourself for what is not and accept yourself for what is.

Your Life Strategist

Jeff Allen

Tags: Grieving, Stress